…his mama will do anything and everything in her power to help him. But that goes for all her children.
Look at those eyes in the pic above though. They mutter of exhaustion beyond the conceivable. The depths to which only a mother knows.
Of all the trying moments in motherhood, this may very well be my hardest and most soul stretching demand upon me yet.
Over the past two and a bit weeks, while I prepared for, and then actually did my return back to work, I’ve witnessed my son struggle with feeding. Going from great breastfeeder to easy bottle drinker which was offered now and again, to a sudden struggle with those very same bottles, and sometimes a down right refusal to drink at all. Both breast and bottle.
Yes, he went from refusing one or two bottles to refusing everything and my boob!! Needless to say that was an incredibly few difficult days for me … especially psychologically. As I was to return to work soon, and this was what I was faced with.
I noted the disappearance of his chubby cheeks. Hoping i was wrong. But the clinic nurse confirmed it. He hadn’t gained any weight as he should behave since the last visit. And with the pronounced decline in his milk intake, I knew the recent feeding drama was to blame.
You see, he was doing so well on those bottles since 8weeks- two different kinds brands, in fact. But then in preparation for my return to work, I tried to stay away from him a bit more whilst on maternity leave. I forced myself out of the house, so that he could get used to more than just one or two bottles a day. But the more I stayed away, the less he drank. My plan was back firing. And he was paying he price.
My return to work was hard, as it always is. But his drinking issues adding an extra bitter dose that just I couldn’t deal with. It kept me distracted and filled with anxiety. I needed to do something, but I had no control over this.
I’ve kept my wits about me, applied logic and patience, and steadfast in my resolve that we’ll figure this out. All while still contending with the unseen pressures of being back at work AND still tending to a sick toddler who as it turns out has a double lung infection and ear infection and of course needs her mama so very much.(she lets me know in no uncertain and very loud terms)
But now…having witnessed my son’s weight steadily drop with no improvement on the feeding front yet, I’m beginning to lose my firm grip on my resolve. There are many bottles to try but I suspect this has nothing to do with the type of bottles. I first suspected it was. Psychological thing…which is still an possibility on the table.
But I feel like I’m watching my son begin to wither away💔…and what?! I’m supposed to just sit here and watch it happen?!
Cannot do that. Just can’t. What mother could?
But nothing I’m doing is helping. I’m feeling helpless – and I hate that. That cannot be! I as his mother can never be that, for is that not what my ENTIRE existence as a mother is supposed to be?!? I cannot be helpless! My entire purpose is to help them,is it not?! To not only help them survive but thrive?! And yet here I am feeling like I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me.
He wakes a thousand times during the night meaning there is simply no sleep at all for me, and certainly not enough for him as baba. Maybe I’m being overly worried. Maybe he’s ok. Maybe there’s nothing to worry about. But it doesn’t feel right.
I can’t force him to eat and I suspect there may be something physiological at play here. I have my suspicions of what exactly this may be, although I hope I’m wrong. I really want to get to the bottom of this – so it’s off to the doc with us this morning. May we come back with solid answers.🙏
Oh, and just to add salt to the wounds…he’s been up coughing for past two nights…so, guess who was affected by his big little sister’s lung infection! ..Lord,give me strength!!!