Note: yes, yes, I’ll give you a chance to get back up on your chair- I’m actually publishing a post. I know, it’s been a while. And it’s not just the first for the year, but the first in a very long time. And I’m so glad. Feels good. And because of this, I wanted to catch you up a bit. So much has already happened, but pls allow me to just wormhole a bit back before we get to the real juicy bits. Like let’s role back to 29 December…when I actually wrote this draft post:
I can’t believe it’s all coming to an end…this chapter in our lives…
The baby making chapter…like how did it get to the end so fast? It was only the other day Mike and I agreed that we’d like to start expanding our adventure team ( the irony in how our adventures actually went a notch down because of the expansion is not lost me, by the way )..and here we are..at the cusp of the end of it all…the baby that will never be in my belly again(?)…
The last time I’ll feel those kicks, and turns, and little feet and hands making themselves comfortable. The last time I’ll have conversations with my little heavenly beings of flesh through the veil for nine months.
I can’t wrap my head around it, and yet here we are. Knowing this is about to become our reality…Here I am, pondering the meaning of these lights cramps I’m experiencing…and what I suspect are practice surges…
The magical, mysterious and demanding phase of our lives, is all about to end just as organically as it started…
And the more my belly swelled over these past few months, the clearer it dawned on me that its the ending of an era for me. For Mike. For both of us…and definitely a start of another….but this one that is soon ending will forever be one of my favourites in this lifetime.
Never again will I get to rub a burgeoning belly knowing there’s life inside. Never again will I get to have such a close and tangible connection to heaven itself with a spirit being within… In limbo with one foot earthside and another in the spirit world.
Never again will I get to look into my husband’s eyes as he lays his hands on my belly, his expression bursting with subtle pride and pure love and wonder for the mystery of this little life within me that he is a part of.
It is all just so bittersweet…and very organic. Some times I feel ready for it and other times Im ready to plea for a few more years of this, for there are fewer things in this life that has brought me the kind of joy that carrying life has.
To be part of this incredible process of creation and have it all unfurl within you is a beautiful gift and a viseral lesson in mortality… And I find myself asking, did I appreciate it enough? Did i drink it all in? Have I seared those beautiful memories into my cerebral cortex deeply enough so that I can recall them clearly in days that I wonder about it all … Did I ever take it for granted (I’d like to think never) Did I take enough photos? (probably not- especially this last one, as I barely had the mental energy to do the basics) Did I include my children enough in all of it? Did I put forth a good enough model for them as a mother in waiting to live and learn by? (I can only hope it was quality lessons of the positive kind)
And these questions swirl in head all the time.. because the truth is, no matter what the answers may be, I’ll never get the chance again. And as the day draws closer, this truth has never stared me more dead in the eye..
Obviously this is our choice…a decision we made together- to make this the last. And whilst I oscillate between wanting to claw back for more time with just one more go, and then being satisfied with what a beautiful chapter this has all been for us…the waves are coming…More importantly, the last and final wave is coming as a certainty. And wherever my heart may be on this, I need to find my peace about it.
You are close my baby boy…I can feel it…and I know that’s you letting me know. X