“Life right now” posts give me poetic license to just ramble. There’s no particular theme to it all. There’s no dramatic crescendo – so sorry to leave you hanging if that’s what you came here looking for. It’s more a bit like being on the couch with me, with feet folded under our bums, one hand animatedly gesturing and echoing my words, whilst the other hand caressing a wine glass, or mug of coffee (depending on how tired I am) – and the mind just flows forth with mutterings of…well, our life right now. Our highs, lows, laughs and ponderings. Hope you stay a while for them…I promise I make a great cuppa, or will only serve the best wine. So pull in and get comfy!
Life right now? Im currently in the throws of sleep training. I’m on my 6th coffee as I type this, while simultaneously eyeballing our family calendar that’s pretty chock-a-block full from now all the way through till December. Half excited, half oh-my-fekking-gahd-what-have-i-agreed-to. Because, yes even though Ive got a newborn that’s still on demand feeding, I decided I could also do backstage make up for my big girl’s concert on not one but TWO nights, agreed to parties and other backstage preps. And still go for training in the evening to ensure I don’t balls it up too much on the day. I was this close to volunteering for her ballet performance, but fortunately I was too fast asleep at the time that they requested volunteers. All this right after I’ve recently hosted our annual Halloween party and Parker’s fourth birthday party the very next week thereafter. (post coming soon). Oh, and Im going back to work in a few days time. #ShockHorrorDisbelief
So yeah, THAT’S how life is right now.
Throw in a good measure of too little sleep because Im cooking up yet another little business idea that I would have liked to have launched this November…but, you know, just re-read that above paragraph over there in case you’re wondering why Ive not. My mind is also racing about another business avenue that I opened up, but still need to sort out the paperwork before it’s a GO.
Also, I started this post on Monday, and am still busy composing today, Sunday (yes, that is what my blogging life has come to), and I realise now, I now have no idea where I was going with this post when I first started it. Like no clue whatsoever. Was I going to regale you with tales of my sheer anguish at the thought of returning to work? N,no no, I would dedicate an entire post to something that epic and depressing. Epic depression gets its own spotlight folks. So, no….
Was I going to share with you on how Im still just not at one with the school-mom universe yet, and then proceed to beg you to please give me the secret to cracking the school-mom code? Is there even one to crack? Or maybe it was one of the myriad of thoughts that flit into my mind-brain at a million beats per second. Like, pick one! But who freakin knows. My brain is all over the place. So you can clearly gauge where my brian is at right now…almost full circle from whenst I first left work for maternity leave about three and a half months ago – proper porridge. So a Life right now post it is then!
On one hand I’m loving the busyness of life again. It’s a stark comparison to the life I’ve been living with our little Yuriko-Mae keeping me soft and still and focussed on the task at hand for the first two months. A slowed pace, with no rush to be anywhere but in the present. And available.Always, 100 percent, selflessly always just available. A life that I purpose towards nurturing these little beings. A task that is no small feat. The single most demanding task there ever would be in this life:mothering.
More specifically, mothering a newborn.
I pour myself into this little thingy. I mean I honestly pour myself and submerge myself into this new life with…well, this new little life. And I do so willingly and lovingly. But, guys…I am yet to find that sweet balance of being able to pour myself, without replenishing that store. Which is so vital. (Dammit, there was a book that I really wanted to get that apparently is great at helping you to find your own balance.)
And this is probably why I normally start getting restless at around week 8. I start itching to find ways to find a release – either a hard physical training release or a creative mind one. And if not scratched, it grows in intensity and well, doesn’t always come out to pretty.
It sometimes had me clawing at the doors for an exit, just for a small little break. Just a little nap. Or a breather. Like just for 5 minutes. I mean two hours would be swell. But I’ll take five minutes if that’s all you got. But we all know motherhood is relentless. And even more so as a breastfeeding mother – the physical and mental tax on your body can be something else. And well, those kind of troughs in this journey just don’t do anyone good. So I’ve been releasing that boiling point a lot during this maternity leave through all the little Halloween crafts I did with my kids, trying to gather and aim that itch into some form of a creative release. Small things that give me joy. And well, it’s helped somewhat. But it’s still not quite hitting the mark. I know I need something completely me.
Wasn’t my best performance, but not bad, and it felt so good to get in touch with that rough and tumble me, who will slog across the mud with a smile on my face, jump off high platforms into icecold water, squeeze through claustophobically narrow underground tunnels, scale high walls, and run across lakes on nothing but wooden pallets.
And a few other activities which all pulled me back to the me I knew. Yes, the new softer, stay-in-nightgowns-while I breastfeed -all day is now me too. A new part of me that I’ve grown into. But it’s not all of me. There are so many passions of mine that still make up a large chunk of me, and keep me grounded. And without I feel like Im spinning out of control a bit. So I plan on getting back in touch with it. Not only for my sake, but for my daughters too. To share with them my passions, for them to know me better. ( I know I take joy in knowing things about my own mother.) TO live a life of open kimono with them, and hopefully, if they too find joy in it, then to join me.
I realised how important this is to me when I saw their huge surprise a few months back, when I let loose on the punch bag.
The sheer excitement at the fact that moms got some skills on the bag – even though I was preggers at the time, and couldn’t even show them half of what I used to do- actually made stop and think. This is not what I would want. I wouldn’t want my children growing up not know the woman I was before they came along.
But that’s a topic for another day – it’s a big one for me. So, in that vein, I intend making some adjustments to my lifestyle to reignite those fires again, and take my girls along for the ride.
Speaking of my girls, things have been all over the place for us wrt them. Morgna-Lee is starting grade 1 next year, Parker-Grace is re-entering the school waters – geez, she cant wait- and Im about to leave my precious little darling baby for the WHOLE day…the one I’ve carried in me for nine months, and then a further 3.5 months snugly against me most times…
And now I’m leaving her, so I can go bring home some bacon (and the milk) ;). So clearly, my mama heart is all over the place.
Not to mention, so are our physical bodies, thanks to Morgy’s hectic end of school year schedule that I refered to earlier. (And if you saw my instastories last friday, you might have noted that she had her first night time event WITHOUT her mama or dad present – I need a proper couch session about that, cause as chilled as I looked, my innards were twisted up about it…can you blame me in today’s age?!)
And whilst my weary body wants to bitch and moan about all of it, truth is, I do actually love it. I love that Im busy with school meetings. I love that Im carting her around for ballet rehearsals, and going to buy la pebra gel and hair pins and hair nets,pink stockings and, and, and – the very same shopping list my mom had with my sister and I. Like, exactly the same! I love that I’ll be combing and slicking her hair into an emmaculate bun, whilst tending to her happy nerves backstage – just like my mom did for me. And tending to my own happy excited nerves for her. – the way I could only guess my mother would have for me.
And man, I gotta say, (and you can call me a sap, I dont care, but..)I’m ever so slightly swooning at the thought of how the circle of mama life always come around. And anything that takes me closer to being a bit like my mom, is welcomed and encouraged.
But, ya, right now it’s Sunday…and after a fairly busy past few days and weeks, this day of rest is most welcome. (Especially as I have quite a week ahead of me coming up – the return to work….*cue face of disbelief*.) With the exception of Morgy, we’re all still lounging around in our jammies. And I hope you have a great one yourself, spent with loved ones…
Here’s to an amazing week for all. X