You know it’s coming, you know what you’re in for – especially if youre not a first timer. And even more so if this is your third time around. But you’re never truly really prepared and whenever you try to quantify it for someone else who has not quite walked this path yet, it becomes tricky to actually explain where all your time goes. How the clock has ticked over a solid 24 hours and you’re still in jammies, and not sure if you’ve even left the room other than for the bathroom yet. But that newborn blur is real.
And such is the life once you welcome that little babums into your world; Feeds bleed into one another, as burping and winding form that bridge between creating what feels like an endless loop. Sunsets and sunrises seem to race each other, as you eventually relinquish any need to remember what day it is today. (‘Cept for Saturday and Sunday, cause that means Daddy’s HOME!!So we always remember those. And public holidays –TG for public holidays.)
Add in a random, out of the blue busted knee ligament, which leads to the other knee also getting bust up, so that you and your hubby are staring at each other in a complete “wtf now” predicament, as you both contemplate the mercy of a swift death at this point. And suddenly, you feel like you’ve stumbled into a game of Jumangi in baby land.
Throw in some breastfeeding issues for good measure, that serve to challenge you further than the previous baby – even though you confusingly swear its definitely not as hard as the first two times. (the paperwork proves it) But it leaves you sleepless, mentally taxed, and exhausted anyhow, and you’ve got yourself a perfect blur.
But right in between it all, you’re gazing into this little face of perfection for longer than you realize. Marvelling at her creation, as you drink her in, while uncontrollable mutterings of gratitude escape your mouth to the heavens. Begging time to not race by this time. Just this once.
This little precious beauty in your arms is yours, you realize. Your rainbow baby. And then fireworks pop in your heart, as an even greater realisation that you actually have THREE of these beautiful gifts, hits you straight in the feels. Your postpartum hormones want to take you straight to happy-cry-me-a-river status, but there’s nappies to be changed, breastfeeding ordeals to get through, all the while the pang of exhaustion reminds you of the immensely heavy yin, to the beautiful yang of bringing life into this world.
This is us right now, and very likely a similar tune to many families with newborns right now. We’re not special. And this is not our first rodeo. But at the heart of it, it really is an incredible time in our lives. What a blessing, what an honour. Although, Im not going to make it sound all rainbows and butterflies – cause it ain’t – my breastfeeding journeys seem to always ensure that. But can you believe it, Im already pining for these last few days that have whizzed past -Two weeks already! But I also know this is organic- both time’s passing and my need to suppress it in order to savour the sweet times.
So, through it all, Im trying to not let the mess of exhaustion and trials of breastfeeding become all consuming and blinding me from the bliss of it all. Because these precious newborn days are fleeting and seamless. They will melt into each other, until one day you realise your little baby is no longer this fresh little froggy legged gorgeous bag of smooshiness. With those tiny feetsies you have to stop yourself from gobbling up..or with that sweet, warm milk breath against yor neck…But has instead, become a grown little being that’s running rampant in your lounge, seemingly overnight. And you’ll curse time for racing by; For not slowing down while you were so busy cursing the exhaustion, the shredded nipples.
So this time, even though I know I’ll still question my sanity so now and again, and still have that teary emotional breakdown of why this latch thing still haunts our breastfeeding journey, I’m going to strive to live with intention of enjoying what are actually real gifts bestowed unto me. Unto us.
Gifts like being able to spend one on one time with my middle child, wrapped up in what she enjoys, and getting more time to hear what goes on in that little brain of hers.
So morning tea and donuts for breakfast – because moms can break the rules too, ya know. Or whipping up a cooking storm in our play doh kitchen..
Or how about being there when they wake up for their naps…every single day. This used to be little heartbreak I had whenever I am at work, knowing someone else gets to see this sweet sleepy face, and not me.
Or having my heart explode as I watch little big sisters love on their brand new lil sister, like real little mamas. Morgy especially cant help herself…
(Cute there, but not so cute at 1:30 in the morning when she also wants to be part of the pyjama drill. – Go to bed, already!!!)
And I get to have a proper one on one lunch with my eldest when she gets home from school, and get her when her energy is still good and willing to share more of her day with me. I know she loves it too: After the first time, she asked if we going to do this again tomorrow – and I knew we were both hooked!
I get to pour myself into this little fingy…Our brand new baby beasty, Yuriko-Mae…
Our sweet little beasty baby, that sleeps like champ (THANK YOU, LORD!) And has captured all our hearts…
I get to inhale her sweet baby breath and feel her warm body against mine. And hold her longer than I need to…
Even though I know the habit may come back to bite me later, Im so much more accepting of all the things that don’t go to plan this time around. (except the breastfeeding,cause that shit hurts)
And this guy…
We’re still living in that survival mode and learning how to make things work. And yes, even though we’re veterans, we still had that silly argument over who’s doing more and less in the duty stakes.(silly-silly exhaustion) Still living a bit like passing ships in the night. But those quick stolen love touches, they remind me of my original gift. And how blessed I am to have him do this life and this newborn hustle with me..
Right now there’s alot going on in our home…but at the core of it, there’s alot of love being poured into each other.