Yes, in case youre wondering, I’m back on to our recent gender reveal of our third baby. Hope Im not boring you with it already, but there’s just so much more to that day. It was seriously a fun and lovely day…but I wasn’t kidding when I said it was emotionally taxing. Yes, for the girls, for sure. Their reaction was something else – something I wasnt quite prepared for. (read here). In fact, I was a bit blind sided at first. But, what you might not know, is that it was a bit hectic for me too. And please make no mistake, I am no liar – I truly am beyond filled with joy that we are having another girl. And I guarantee you, it would the same if it was a boy. In fact, I feel a touch horrid for even voicing this, but I’m also Ok voicing it -if you know what I mean…But I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t secretly hoping it WOULD be a boy.
Maybe you’re judging me because of that confession right there.*Trax bracing for the judgement* And whilst I won’t truly understand why – because I am already brimming over with gratitude purely for life within me. Understanding the loss we had suffered before this, might highlight even further how much more grateful we will forever remain. But I’d accept your differing opinions too.
Either way, I think finding out the gender of your child is quite an emotional thing in and of itself already. Whether you had expectations or not. And mostly that’s done in the privacy of your doctors four walls – at least that’s been the case for us previously. But as a generally private person, finding out the gender infront of an audience, as I discovered, is quite a thing. Even more so, when you find your children are having strong emotional reactions to it as well.
When I eventually saw and realised it was pink balloons, I had a wave of happiness, you know the type that only real suprises can bring about, and I felt those tears of joy surging up. But I literally had to check my emotions in when I realised I first had to tend to my girls, and how they were dealing with it. So instead, only the joyful giddiness and the ear to ear grins remained, with Mike and I exchanging kisses and love touches throughout the day, as we kept thinking of our future with THREE girls.
But later, like two, three days later, when I really had a chance to work through my emotions, I realised there was a bit of a sting in my heart. About it not being blue balloons. And to be honest, I wasn’t quite clear on what it was, or how I would express it, or IF I should even express it. Like, should I even feel anything but unadulterated and untainted joy, when this beautiful little life within me lives and breathes all my emotions – whether she wants to or not. But I’m not the type to let things build up. And I suppose, as I pointed out, whether I say it out loud or not, this little fingy inside of me is feeling whatever it was that I was feeling. And I couldn’t have her soak in that. I couldn’t let her feel like I was disappointed that she was a boy. How horrible would I be?! So I took a stab at it, and once more confided in my ever steady pillar of strength, Mike, in hopes of working it out.
I guess I was also afraid, on some unconscious level, that this slight feeling of disappointment might actually be this insurmountable emotional hurdle that causes more damage than had I not even bothered with it. But the more and more I spoke to Mike, the more I realised it was better to remain honest with myself about it, to as always, acknowledge your true emotions. And turns out, its not such a big deal afterall. Yes, there was a hope, and yes it would have been nice. And I think it was pretty human and natural to want for that. And that also there’s nothing wrong in being human. But after stripping my thoughts to its core, I found that what I truly and honestly feel about this baby, the real guts of the matter is, that there is nothing but pure love that pounds deeply and loudly within my heart for this child. The kind of love that is soaked and pressed into the bones, and cannot help but seep out into the rest of your entire being. Pure, unrelenting, fierce love. You know? Unconditional. Like boy or girl, unconditional. And that is what truly matters. The only thing that matters.
And now, that’s all there is…
Free of silly expectations or selfish wants, and certainly no insurmountable mountain either…
I cannot wait to embrace you, our dear little “Coco”!