Man on man, that first scan! Isnt it some thing? Moms who’ve had the quintessential joy of seeing baby appear up on that screen would understand why I suffer from a lack words here in trying introduce it. For there truly are no words that seem adequate enough to honestly capture how the world seems to stop spinning; how conversations tend to fade into the background, and how tunnel vision kicks in, as your eyes focus wholly and solidly on that pure personification of love just wiggling on that screen.
Words will always fall flat when you try to describe to anyone. Only those that themselves have felt it before, know how much it truly moves you to the core to see that life within you confirmed before your very eyes. And no matter how many times you do this, I’ll wager that it never fades. In fact, considering my current family size, this is certainly not my first rodeo, it just never loses its magic.
And yet, can you believe it, I’ve never really shed a tear for it before. Not a single tear, as I laid there watching miracles move within me. And it’s not like Im dead inside. Icebox heart is not quite the way loved ones would describe me – quite the contrary, in fact. But I can get a bit delayed when it comes to big emotive things. Case in point: the first time I jumped out of plane, I had exactly zero nerves. Like, nothing. Excitement, yes. Nerves, no. I even volunteered to go first. And while I hung by only my two thumbs and an inch of bum clinging to that tiny little spluttering plane, leaning out with the wind gushing against me, admiring the tiny specs of houses and farmlands below me, I didn’t feel fear or doubt. All I was focussed on was doing it right and enjoying the view! Those crazy adrenalin nerves only hit two days later, while sitting in boring traffic. Odd, right? I know.
But the point is, whilst I can be a total sap, there are certain times I think that I get all stoic about shit. Maybe, it’s because I am a deeply private person. I don’t know. But those gorgeous, incredible life confirming baby scans? Not even one little Demi Moore eye trickle. Nada! That is…until this scan!
And whilst each and every child of mine has stirred great awe in me to see what wonders work inside me- not to mention great humility to be made a part of such an intricate miracle – but this one was very different. And I would be lying if I said that the last pregnancy didn’t affect me, or leave me with deep seated doubts and fears, no matter how far below the surface they are. I mean we, as mothers, always have them to some degree. Like even if it’s merely a seed of of doubt that tinges every time you think, but what if this time my baby and I are a statistic. This time, as I lay there eyes affixed to the screen. Subconsciously holding my breath. It was clear that the last scan’s bad tidings actually still had a hold of me.
As much as I stand by the fact that I had 100% good vibes about this pregnancy (unlike the pregnancy before this, and for good reason), I cannot not acknowledge that it’s very real, and very normal for that miscarriage to knock your confidence somewhat.
I mean, I will never forget that moment. The day I got an emergency slot at my gynae in response to the sudden bleeding. The tension levels fluxing in my body all the way to his offices, whilst my mind tried to forcefully inject positivity and hope, all while I waited for that little heart beat fluttering to appear on the screen. Waiting for that feeling of relief to wash over me, to make me feel like all was well, and like was just a fool to worry so much. To finally rid myself of that horrible dark feeling I had since the get go. That feeling that told me all was not well. I just couldn’t wait for someone to say it was all just a bad dream and for me to finally hear that thunderous heartbeat that gripped me each time, and made me feel connected and relieved.
But, as you may know, that was not what happened. Instead it was the confirmation of a very real nightmare of loss for me. One that still swirls within in, and has found it’s permanent place in my heart. Although, now, thoroughly padded in divine love.
But needless to say, forward wind to a few months later, when I’m laying back onto the hot seat, to finally enjoy the show of jumbled and awkward 3D movements, mixed with black and white glimpses of our new love, I felt the sudden, but “what if” kick in… you know, that stupid voice of doubt that kicks in at all the wrong times.
It felt like forever for doc to get setup, for the gel to be spread, and for machines to get going – even though it was all at the same usual pace. I soon realised I had forgotten to breathe, my jaw was clenched, my eyes wouldn’t budge from that scream, and I was on autopilot response mode for any chitchat Mikey and the doc were making. My neck strained forward trying to get the best view of the screen – probably five seconds away from just grabbing the damn ultrasound wand from doc’s hand and doing it myself! I need this shroud of anxiety to be ripped off of me already!
And then….there it was….that undeniable form that appeared…That sweet baby profile – head, eyes, button nose, and chin, with hands at the ready….And that heartbeat! So loud and clear! I felt my body instantly release, my neck flopped back in sheer relief, my hands lovingly clutching towards my (gelled up) belly, and then….sweet, warm tears of pure joy spilling down my face. I could barely look away from that screen, only just briefly to swop knowing and acknowledging smiles with Mikey. Thank you Lord, thank you!
MY CHILD! MY CHILD! THERE YOU ARE! And you are so very loved already!
And with that, I comfortably slipped off this thin but heavy veil of sudden panic I had wrapped around me. My grip on the wonder and excitement of life firmed up, and my notion of not wasting any further time on the dark what-if’s re-affirmed! And if anything, my previous loss has certainly strengthened my appreciation of the immeasurable honour it is to be a part of this journey. And yes, even at the risk of sounding like I’m repeating myself, to be a part of this miracle! This life within me is meant to be celebrated! 13 weeks, and we were in the clear!
The excitement and joy in the room was palpable – even the doc himself, for he had walked the journey of loss with us too. Unfortunately, Mike then had a late meeting to dash back to work for, so it was just me and this incredible rush of endorphins! So in celebration – since bubbly was out of the question- I hit up the clothing stores! This belly was bound of growth, and what better way to welcome it in than with new rags!
And by “new rags”, I just mean one singular piece of clothing. Because even though I had the whole pretty woman shopping anthem song blaring in my head, as I strutted (waddled) across the mall walkways, there’s still school fees and nanny fees to be paid. So, err, just one top then. But it was a good one.
A billowy navy stretch cotton with lace one. Bought it at 13 weeks, still rocking it now at 21 weeks, and I have no doubt it will carry me all through this pregnancy! And it on sale! Total score in my books, and good way to round off the day! That, and of course, getting show my two little mama bear girls at home a picture of their new sibling! The excitement of life is real!
Here’s to the sweetness of life! May you always know it, and always be able to draw from it, no matter what. X