Life right now…

“Life right now” posts give me poetic license to just ramble. There’s no particular theme to it all. There’s no dramatic crescendo – so sorry to leave you hanging if that’s what you came here looking for. It’s more a bit like being on the couch with me, with feet folded under our bums, one hand animatedly gesturing and echoing my words, whilst the other hand caressing a wine glass, or mug of coffee (depending on how tired I am) – and the mind just flows forth with mutterings of…well, our life right now. Our highs, lows, laughs and ponderings. Hope you stay a while for them…I promise I make a great cuppa, or will only serve the best wine. So pull in and get comfy!

I’ve probably typed these first few paragraphs up and deleted them over and over. Mostly because I’m struggling to find a way to put into words exactly what life is like right now. I have a feeling I probably won’t succeed, but I can come close. Given our recent pregnancy loss and frightening times of having to relive another horrifying episode like this with Parker-Grace again (except only a million times worse), we’re still rolling with the punches. But it feels as if pieces of me are strewn all over the place, with life still plodding along. And there’s us, trying to keep up. We’re good on the outside, but the fingernail grip we have is starting to show.

So I struggle partly because I am utterly and properly exhausted – forming a sentence in everyday life right now is already quite a stretch- and I swear I’m this close to throwing a proper hissy fit complete with snot en trane for someone to just come take care of me a little bit. (a common parental fantasy, I suppose.) But I struggle also because this could so easily turn into a “motherhood/parenting is hard” post, and I don’t actually want it to. Yes, it is hard. Freaking hard. And Im getting a healthy dose of parental ass-kicking right now. But that’s not what’s stiring inside me right now. Writing about it is not what will give me joy or release right now -joy that I need right now.

But do you know what does give me joy? October. Because with it comes a whole lot of joyous build up to my baby girl’s birthday, followed by a confetti-worth opening act to all the rest of the year’s festivities that are on its way. Also, there are like exactly zero public holidays from now till December, so roll on any means of happy distraction till then.

Granted, the October festive feels are rolling out pretty slowly in our house right now, as most of my time has been spent towelling down our two feverish little pumpkins. (Yes, now both of them) Fretting over temps that may trigger another seizure in Parker, as I pour myself over little babes in cots, and snuggle up behind bigger little babes till sleep takes her. All whilst teetering rather precariously on the edge of sleep deprived insanity and decent health. But those little passions I have- crafts, kiddy parties and Halloween- they keep the embers burning in me. I mean, oh dear god, do I need some rest and recuperation, and whole lotta me time (as does Mikey), like STAT! But those silly little passions? They are what propel me forward when the rest is lacking and my tanks are nearing empty. So it is there – the festive feel. And we’re loving it.

All the trimmings have them so excited chanting, “it’s almost halloween” over and over. And yes, they both had fevers here when this was taken.

Morgy has only waited forever for this time of the year to come – she’s been plotting since Parker’s last birthday party. (Also begging for random Christmases in the year: “Mom, let’s pretend it’s Christmas today!Pleassssse?!”) And her Halloween planning hasn’t quit: She’s insisting Pax has another Halloween theme party, and she’s been trying to dictate what everyone else’s costumes are to be. Problem is, none of us like it. So costume ideas are still up in the air. Thing is, I put out there minions and Gru, with me as Vector last year for this year, and that went down a treat. All very easy costumes, so momma was all green for a go.(because cheap and easy are always my jam.) However, it looks like there’s a slight rebellion going on now. But I love it, ‘cause it means I just have another small little Halloween freak in the house to join forces with. And it is awesome.

Blur Witch Project: Bit blurry, but this is Parker-Grace’s composition.

Watching Paw Patrol Halloween episode: Big sis was all like, “don’t look, it’s too scary for you!”

I think however, we will definitely turn the festivities down a notch this year. I’m well on my way to 40 and truth be told, whilst I’ve got no problem with aging, reality is that the fact that I’ve not looked after myself for these past 5 years, is really starting to make itself obvious. My ability to recover from any sleep hit is definitely ranking high in the obvious stakes. And this recent bout of hell we’ve had with our little Paxy’s health has left me literally sleepless with paranoia for eight straight days after her seizure. (we have to check her temp every hour- including through the night.) So right now, it feels like I could sleep for 37 days straight and still wake up tired. (however, it’s still a theory id really love to test, if anyone’s willing to help me out with some babysitting?) A few months back, I had great visions of a Harry Potter themed party, turning our home into Hogwarts of sorts. But seeing how our Disney World travel plans went, I just can’t do it. So definitely no Halloween party this year by the Porters – but open to invites! 😉 Our neighbourhood however does a trick or treating schpiel, so I think we’ll probably join in for that this year.

By the way, walking through Woolies today, seeing their pumpkins out? It may or may not have made me do silent little squeal in my head. Or for real. I never can be sure. People did look. But who cares?! It’s almost Halloween, baby! Also the party store down the road from me – they know me already , far too well- I just happened to walk in while they unpacked their Halloween bits (their massive Halloween sign outside their building may or may not have enticed me inside), and it shot littles sparks of happiness up into me. So, bring on the pumpkin breads (Mom, that’s your cue!hint, hint!), haul out the glitter and glue for pumpkin decorating, cover yourself in flour with pumpkin pie baking, and just get into the spirit of things already! Gahd, I’m a sucker for this stuff.

This turn it down thing is real though – I know that my previous sentence up there may not sound like it, but it’s real. I’ve even cancelled the baby shower I was going to host for my brother and his wife’s third child. I was advised by her and my mother that given the current state of affairs, it’s best if I just cancel it. At first I didn’t want to entertain the idea – I really wanted to have something small , yet special for that little boy of their’s. But in reality I questioned how well I would have done, given that I only had one week to get my shit together. I hated doing it, but I eventually conceded and let everyone know. However, after Parker’s birthday there may still be sometime left to celebrate them. I mean, I had my last baby shower a mere two weeks before Pax was born. So let’s see how that goes.

Speaking of which, on the birthday front, our little Pax is turning three this October. And the theme has been up in the air for a few months now as our little animal lover was tending more towards a puppy party for a long time, but it has now fully shifted to unicorn party. So I need to get myself toward myself. All of myself. Especialy since big sis has made so much hype about it, that now little sister is chanting all through the house, “I’m gonna have such a cool party! Cool party, cool party, cool party – yes!!” It’s quite cute actually. And I love seeing how much they look forward to it.

Then, playdates. Can we talk a bit about playdates please? I recently discovered this is an area I’ve completely neglected as parent. As in, I’ve not had a single one of them. (gasp) We have such a huge family and so many friends with littles, that I thought my girls didn’t need that – they got plenty of extra social time other than school. But turns out, I was wrong. The reasons why may need another post all to itself. So any tips or pearls of wisdom around playdates? Then please feel free to spend yourself in my comments.

Then there’s our kids room, lounge, and our bedroom mini makeovers that all of which kind of got hit with the slow motion button. Because..you, prioritries…and the required adulating that comes with parenting…So once the energies return, we’ll get back into it a bit. And I cannot wait!!

Now reading this, you may think it sounds like Im merely using pumpkins and parties, and DIY’s in trying bury the realities that life has recently served us up. That may be so, but also not true at all. Because I believe that for all the hard times in life where we have no choice but to endure, let us not forget that we can also make the choice to find things in this life that will bring joy -to ourselves and others. No, it doesn’t change the hard things. The child we lost will forever colour our background of life in various shades of emotions, and will remain always present. I will forever be a part of this secret and painful club of mothers, all of whom never ever wanted to be members. And yet there we are, forever having to navigate this path. Changed in a way I didn’t want to be changed. And with Parker giving us yet another random message about God and this baby out of the blue – clearly it’s still on everyone’s mind.

As for Parker-Grace’s health? Yet another path we are still currently navigating. And it’s one of uncertainty, and angst and frustration. CAT scans, EEG’s, and countless other tests all checked out for a clinically clean bill of health, which leaves us with a huge question mark over the quality of care and attention she receives away from family. So, we’re still on high alert, exhausted beyond compare and have a few vital decisions to make in this respect. But refuse to be consumed by it all. Although, some days I probably drop that f-bomb more times than is acceptable.

But it’s in those very hard times that I believe we need to seek out our joys, hold tightly onto that which inspires gratitude in us, and let our passions drive us towards better days, and keep us afloat. Find fresh starts, make-overs, and reasons to celebrate.

And with it being the first of October (I wrote this post then) I feel like it’s a great chance for a fresh start. So. Let’s begin.

Happy October ya’ll! X

(Few last of September pix:)

Excuse the morning breath(taken before Hell Week hit): We woke up like this!

Last of September:Party vibes