You know that magical mother fairy dust I must have been high on last time I spoke?(see here..) You know the one where I could do a hospital kid with a coke and smile, no problem, whilst still whipping out some crafts? Possibly let off some unicorn farts along the way? Yeah, well I think its up. Still brave…but, sorry, your airtime has now run out. ‘Cause, right now, there is exactly zero patience left in me. Stabbing my brain with a large vial of cyanide is tempting. The presence of mind to see things from the little people’s perspective right now? I must’ve dropped it somewhere along the way in the last 24 hours. And I’m not even sure I’ve really looked for it again. The krag to craft has left the building. It didn’t even pack up, it just left. The requirement to drag my tired, bloated body over to the kitchen to whip up yet another meal that no one…including my husband, is going to eat, feels more just like an option right now. An option I’m not even considering.
‘Cause really, I just can’t anymore. Not one little bit! (Famous motherhood last words, right?) The fact that I spent this morning shivering and near throwing up from the sheer pain I was experiencing due to a rogue period cramp that came back from the nineties to say hi, could possibly have a lot to do with my current state of mind. Or mostly, I think it was just the cherry on top. But whatever it is, I know I need a proper timeout and some take care of me time.
The trouble with that is…wait for it, newsflash: TIME. Who has the time? Yes, yes, we must make time for it. I know this. And am so aware of this, and am so cogniscent of it. But the way things are snowballing in my life right now, I’m not sure how I will be able to make the time. And yes, crazy life spin is my jam. Usually it is, but right now, there’s just too many things in this spin that are not positive. My child’s health for one is taking up a majority of that negative chunk. And the simple act of sleeping has once more eluded me. Once more. (It’s the bane of my existence, really.) And when you’re trying to keep up everyone’s spirits on this wild ride you’re all stuck on, all whilst watching that sleep tank dip well below the reserve, let’s just say, your ability to keep it going starts to fade at a rate faster than jsdljfdsl..
What’s worse is that I hate the mom I am when I feel like this. The snappy impatience, the sudden expectance of this high standard of conformation by my two year old, and the fiery eyes I flashed at their big beautiful innocent ones, when their ears once more refused to heed my words.This is not me. Not the mom I strive to be. Definitely not. I know this.
I know this especially when I hold them in my arms, close to my chest, with my cheek on their forehead, or feel the warmth of their cheek on mine…or even after I’ve stormed into another room to take a mom-timeout and do some heavy breathing, and they sneak in next to me and I hear their little voice say “mama”, and all of a sudden I’m done being done, and can carry on again. At least a little bit more.
And sometimes that’s all you need at the time, I suppose.
Tomorrow will be better. I just need to prioritize some sleep, and then I’m certain my world will be a lot less put upon. Till then, Im leaning on my amazing husband, who’s dragging my butt across the finish line, and feeding little mouths, entertaining them for all he’s worth and fishing our little busy beasties out of all sorts of crap they’re catching on downstairs.
What would I do without that guy?!
Here’s to awesome daddies, much needed sleepies, and acknowledging that motherhood can be hard. We all have our off days, and often need just a time out. But we’re all doing our best and will be ready to rock it again. Because: Tomorrow will be better!
To all the other mommies out there, who are also “done”, I hope you get some much needed rest…and proper sleep. That stuff’s magic, yo! X