Don’t worry, you’d be forgiven if you mistakenly thought I was talking about <insert the myriad facets of parenting that can be crappy>, but Im talking about actual real crap here. You know, like baby poop?
And right bout now,its about that time in our household, where our nerves are all gathered in shredded bunches, as we hopelessly try to predict our youngest’s(Parker-Grace) bowel and bladder and movements.
And its all out ofher own choice. In fact, she’s been wanting to do this since 15 months already, but I just haven’t had the energy in me to commit to the process…Because right now, given our current life battles, I’m not sure I can survive it.
I mean, sure, she’s actually doing pretty well: she’ll call me to go “make a wee-wee”, and will pretty much keep it in until we get to a toilet- both at home and in public. Some may think Im dumb for hindering the process and not just going with the flow as she leads me. But if you knew just how poorly we fielded back with out first kid, you may understand my slight hesitation to just go with it.
Granted we were also operating on a pretty low mental tank back then, while also dealing with a newborn at the same time. But still.
Now, if you’ve never experienced the joys of toilet training your little one first hand, allow me to introduce you to the truly most glamourest part of your parenting life, ever. Allow me to sketch out our previous experience for your preparation pleasure.
How bad can it get you ask?? Surrrre, you’ve endured spit up…that flew into your own mouth…Maybe even some liquidly poo that squirted onto your clothes..(somewhere, and you hope you find it before some one else does). Maybe you’ve even had the joy of your baby girl’s “sprinkler system” that got you square in the eye..(yes, it’s a party trick not just reserved for boys)..But, darlings, you’re in for an even greater treat this time, where you once again get to taste the crap of a tiny human, pretty much everyday.
In fact, there are a few atrocities in this life you’d never wish to witness with your own naked eyes, like death of innocent life, debilitating poverty, plagues… and seeing your toddler take a dump on your cream carpets.
Also, be prepared for wee-wee being strewn across your floors, as your proud toddler runs to you, bringing her pee-filled potty – just sprinkling her joy everywhere she goes!
If you ever thought you used a lot of wipes, get ready, you’re gonna be in for the mother load…So essentially whatever youre saving in “no more nappies”, you’ll be making up in wipes and kitchen paper. (Im such a a ray of sunshine,eh?) 🙂
Oh, and if you thought car rides were a biyatch to get ready and pack for, oh boy, are you’re gonna learn so much about planning, and prep- super sayan level, sweethearts! Through all our journeys, bravely taken with a potty training tot, I think I may or may not have memorized all the public toilets on various routes…Although, that was a pretty pointless exercise of mine, as we’ve learnt that despite all our frantic route deviations, fuelled by her desperate urging to go right now (further screwing any chances of ever being on time for any social engagement) it inevitably always ended up with our tot, unclimatically saying, “No, I cant pee here”. “Not this toilet”. (She’s a bit of clean freak). I’ve learnt to drop the convincing streak that “she can do it”, and just take her at her word. She’s certain like that. We then sheepishly pack up from the unplanned pit stop in a hurry and get back on route to where we were going in the first place, burst through their doors, find their loo, open the floodgates and then, bladders emptied, return for actual greeting of the host and all theirs guest who had to witness our mad dash.
And if you think Im just a drama queen mom, making it difficult for myself- like,why doesn’t she just put a nappy on for her kid at those times?..Well, GOOD LUCK! Seriously, good luck trying to get my kid to wear anything but her panty at that time. (I swear Murphy’s Law only gains strength and momentum in the parent universe.)
But back to that being on time thing: pre-road trip convincing her of her bodily bowel movements, and on road pit stops along the way are not the only aspects that contribute to one’s impeccable time keeping:
Oh no, your days become far more adventurous, when the anti-nappy but toilet-averse poo-maker in question , would much rather prefer to go into hiding to do the deed than let you know. Only for you to catch her mid panty removal, then wrestle her to keep the hazardous goods contained, only for it to roll out…somewhere. Oh good God, where has it gone?! And, if you’re unlucky like my hubby on a day when we were in a particular rush, then in your back-tracking of trying to locate this said baby log, you accidently step into it.
Yeahhhh, you read that right. Its those days that you say nothing, pretend you saw nothing, and just go giggle to yourself in the corner, as you hear him grumble about “how many grooves there are in his shoe”. Also that car ride, post the Poop-gate incident, was pretty quiet..I think he was still dealing with the trauma. However, call me a bad wife, but I couldn’t wait to to share this gem with our friends at the party!
Oh, side note: don’t you just love it when you actually face the possibility of being on time for an event that you actually get excited, only to have both your potty training tot and newborn baby tag team you with an emergency poo call and an explosive faeces nappy. And as you elbow deep in crap you wonder whether you should even bother letting your hosts know you’re running late, or whether they’ve already just assumed this inevitability.
But gosh, yeah..there were days when I just wanted to quit this whole toilet training business, hey. I just didn’t want to mop up pee one. More. Time. I was so done chasing after my kid with cupped hands as she ran to make it to the toilet in time. (a method of our dear friends which we thought was wonderfully comical back then, but later thought it incredibly wise, as we grew weary of cleaning up the countless poo sites). And even on days of success, I loathed having to clean out and sterilize the potty. Again.
But I knew, like anything else worth doing, I had to keep at it. This too shall pass, they say. (But I’d really like to pass on all this poo cleaning to someone else please?)
So ya, as you can see I have quite a bit of well-placed pent-up anxiety about toilet training right now.
And whilst I may be shooting myself in the foot by not taking advantage of Parker-Grace’s eagerness to just do this ( I mean she insists on wearing her big sis’ panties too, saying “I a big girl, awso” ), its really taking some psyching up here on my side to get my head in the game.
Although, I do have to meditate on the fact, that in about 10/14 days, Morgan-Lee was pretty much toilet trained, and has in fact, never even wet her bed yet, in all her 4 years..(‘Cept for that one time I gave her a massive mug of warm milk before bed, so that she could just go sleep..you know, so that daddy and I could have Q-time. Think it may have worked a bit too well, though, as she only woke up the next morning at about eight, confused about why she’s wet. Needless to say, we’ve never used the warm milk technique again.)
As for Parker-Grace’s toilet adventures, let’s see how that goes…wish me luck, yo!